Positivity
The late musical genius who was Prince Rogers Nelson once sang about Positivity on his Lovesexy album.
“Positivity (Yes!)
Have you had your plus sign today?
Positivity (Yes!)
Do we mark you present, or do we mark you late?”
Being Present
Those lyrics mention “do we mark you present”, to most people this may seem like the norm, they may be generally optimistic people, who have a positive outlook on life, they live for the moment, always in the present, not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. For others it might not always be as simple as that. We need to work on our positivity on a daily basis
We don’t want to be like that but often it takes a concerted effort to have a positive outlook on life, to be present and in the moment. On some days this is easier than others. On some days it is hard enough just to raise our heads off the pillow, to open our eyes and face the world
I’m sure many people have experienced poor mental health over the last two years, possibly experiencing this for the first time, or for others, myself included, COVID and all that goes along with it has seen anxiety, stress, depression or a combination of the three return with a vengeance.
I’ve posted before about life being like a rollercoaster, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been down for the whole of the last 12 months, but where, prior to COVID, I was more in control of my mental health and the road was fairly even with the odd bumps and potholes, it has been much more of a uncertain journey. I’ve had some massive highs and good times, but the bad times have hit really quickly and seemingly unexpectedly, and I’ve plunged into some really low low’s.
This isn’t good for me, but more importantly it isn’t good for those I love around me. Not knowing what version of me they are getting: the hyperactive happy go lucky one who has so much energy that he doesn’t know what to do with it, the silent unresponsive, uncommunicative one, or the one who is angry about everything in life… Not someone you’d want to know or live with.
I try loads of things to maintain my positivity. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t: Keeping a gratitude journal, practicing mindfulness, doing simple meditations, sleeping and eating well (well maybe not always…), doing things I enjoy -listening to music and going to gigs, trying new hobbies, connecting with people… all the usual things. Weirdly, I find that, when I am at my lowest, connecting with others who are in the same boat and trying to lift their spirits helps me.
I’ve spoken to so many people recently that don’t understand what goes on in someone’s head that can change their entire outlook in a flash. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can try to explain what happens in my brain. I’m sure many people some will recognise this, but if you haven’t experienced it yourself, it may help you understand what may be going on in the heads of those you love.
Angels and Demons
I imagine you’ve all seen those cartoons, maybe Tom and Jerry, The Simpsons or, for those of a certain vintage, Oor Wullie. The one’s particularly when Tom, Jerry, Homer or Wullie are conflicted about what to do, when an angel appears on one shoulder telling them to do the right thing, but to contradict this, a little demon appears on the other shoulder urging them down a different route. That’s the best analogy to describe what occurs on occasion to take me down a black hole. Except, there isn’t just one little demon, there is a gang of them, with one aim in mind, to totally outnumber and overpower the angel.
I could be having a good day, seemingly drifting along without a care, not really thinking about anything in particular, when a little demon, just one tiny negative thought, suddenly pops into my head. It is more often than not seemingly random and to any one else may seem totally insignificant.
More often than not this can be late at night or first thing in the morning. I could be when I have tried to shut down and just sitting watching the TV. But it could be anytime. It might be a Saturday afternoon, I get a sudden thought about something I meant to do at work last Tuesday and somehow it slipped my mind until that very moment. It could be money related – maybe its March and I suddenly worry about how we’re going to afford Christmas. Or it could be historic – a fleeting memory of meeting someone years ago with something I said in the conversation coming flooding back with pangs of regret or incredulity. In most circumstances my “angel” can bat this away, using some of the techniques I’ve learnt over the years.
But with the right, or should that be the wrong, set of circumstances, that first little demon is joined by a second demon chucking in their tuppenceworth. The angel acknowledges them and tries to reason, but as they are doing so, demon three waves and says, oi, don’t forget about me… the angel becomes slightly exasperated and abandons what he was doing to deal with this demon. Before I know it there is a cacophony of little demons all trying to make their voice heard. The angel has given up the ghost and fucked off, leaving me to deal with all those messages and completely forgetting everything I’ve previously learned from CBT (cognitive based therapies). Now overthinking all the little insignificant thoughts and making them insurmountable. Catastrophising every situation.
There are so many thoughts now that, as I try to sort them, I begin forget some of them. This doesn’t help matters, it actually makes it worse as I now start panicking that something important was there and now I can’t remember it. My entire mood has now changed and I’m so far in, I’ve no idea what to do. Then that final demon appears. The worst one of all. Overtaking all the others. The one that says “I told you so” the one who tells me I’m a waste of space, that questions the point in my very existence, the one that suggests everyone would be better off without me.
That becomes the selfish voice that now controls and considers only me and no one around me. I’m now that person that everyone has to creep around on eggshells hoping they don’t do or say something that triggers me. I’m not at the point of no return, but it is fucking tiring to try to get back on an even keel. Especially when you go through periods of waking up every morning and that little demon is the first one to greet you – “Hi, I’ve been waiting for you, you worthless piece of shit…”
Here we go again…
Light at the end of the Tunnel
Like a lot of people I’m on a combination of meds to help manage my mental health. Who knows what headspace I’d be in without it. Or where I’d be. I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t on medication, I probably wouldn’t be surrounded by some of the people I am. I know how I’ve treated them over the years.
I’ve been on a waiting list for counselling for what feels like eternity and yesterday received a call to say they have an opening and I have my first session tonight! I’m quite apprehensive about it, I’m sure there will be some triggers discussed, but I’m really positive that, with someone to steer me on the right path, I can flatten the peaks and troughs on that rollercoaster, and they can help me help that tired outnumbered angel find their voice again and become more assertive in the face of those demons.
I’m more than conscious that I have several friends who are in the same boat as me, I suppose I just want to re-assure anyone that despite the hard times support is there if you need it. I know it is hard to ask for help and it may not always be instantaneous but if you persevere, and bite the bullet, it is there. And please don’t hesitate to drop me a message. I’m always willing to do for others what several good friends have done for me – be an empathetic ear, give an opportunity to rant, to let someone know that they aren’t alone, or even just to provide a word of encouragement from time to time.
Remember support is available 24/7 from Samaritans – telephone 116 123
After several dead ends I self referred for support to Living Life (if you live in Scotland) which I didn’t know existed until someone pointed me in their direction – LINK