Mindful March

Let’s not sugar coat it. January was shite. If anything, February was worse…

I’m willing to bet I’m not the only person that in any “normal” year hates the early months of a new year. The promise of a buoyant New Year seen through the haze of a Hogmanay dram, usually fades to a miserable grey thought as the realisation hits. It’s January.

I mean, January and February are normally a barren wasteland of dark mornings and dark evenings. Days and nights of nothing much happening after the hustle and bustle of December. 2021 has added a whole new dimension of shite to the mix.

I tried to start the new year with a positive outlook, however, by the time February was closing out, I was ready for chucking it all in.

Repeating across the world

This is probably a story that is repeating itself across the world, as people find themselves in a repetitive loop where past experiences return to haunt them, or for some, maybe they are experiencing a new set of feelings and emotions, experiences that feel foreign to them but that they can’t shake off.

For many, maybe COVID 19 hasn’t meant illness or loss of loved ones, but has meant dealing with different set of reactions or emotions they haven’t experienced before, brought about by the circumstances in which they have been forced to live their lives over the last 12 months, as we approach the anniversary of the first lockdown. Everyone has their own personal battles to deal with in life, the current word climate has made those battles even harder.

The normal malaise that January and February often brings has been exacerbated by the circumstances we are living through. For me, at least, that has brought with it a series of mostly unconscious events that led to a place that I hadn’t really realised I’d got to, until a set of fortuitous, though maybe they didn’t feel it at the time, circumstances forced me take stock.

I ended up in that “bad place” again. And judging by conversations at work, anecdotal evidence heard via others, and quick glance at social media more it would appear more people are experiencing mental health issues at this time.

Cess-pool of opinions

It has also manifested itself in an increase in what I would class as unacceptable and anti-social behaviours on social media. People who maybe you once thought to be rational and level headed, start spewing bile and hatred or bizarre conspiracy theories. Maybe some people’s true natures are shining through? People read soundbites and headlines and become experts on the topic, without as much as having read the full article far less having done any other research. Facebook especially is a cess-pool of opinions, and if it wasn’t the sole way I kept in touch with certain people, I’d ditch it straight away.

Suffice to say, my faith in human nature has wavered, I removed myself from numerous FB groups, unfriended and unfollowed several individuals and try to avoid any interaction other than inane posts about food or keeping up to date on news about new music releases, bands or gigs (I jest).

I didn’t really want to engage with people.

Good habits eroded

Without actively realising it, any good habits I had, started slowing eroding. My working hours increasing,.. starting earlier, finishing later. No longer taking breaks…increasing my working day by, maybe 10 minutes here, then another half hour there, before long it became working right through and forgetting to take a lunch break.

I returned to writing unending “to do” lists that were ultimately unachievable, putting pressure on myself to complete tasks with certain timescales, when no-one else had in reality asked for it. Striving for perfection in everything I did, despite me telling others perfection doesn’t exist.

I started going out running towards the end of last year, but by the time the end of February came, I was only leaving the house once a week to go and do the weekly shop. Not so much as a walk around the block.

This is where the reasonable reasons came in – “oh, work is all consuming and it is far too busy for me to do ….” , “I’ve got so much on…” While the fact I was busy might be true. With the benefit of hindsight, I created most of these circumstances myself. I did that. I put put the pressure on myself. I stopped myself from living my life.

Chucked away years of therapy

It was almost as if I had chucked years of therapy and my own hard work at achieving an equilibrium out of the window to spite myself. Probably, if it wasn’t for a variety of circumstances causing a perfect storm, I’d probably be continuing to spiral down that black hole.

Take this blog. This is the first post I’ve made since the 31st of January. I started it way back when to help as a release, a form of dealing with the things inside my head. But, I turned it into a chore (I’ve done that before). I committed myself to loads of reviews elsewhere, and promised myself, I’d get back to writing on my own blog as soon as they were done. That didnt happen, as I put off writing the reviews, then panicked as the reached “deadline” dates…While I enjoyed the music, writing the reviews became a mountainous task, one that wasn’t to be enjoyed but had to be done. I did that to myself.

Piling on that pressure on myself only succeeded in ramping up my anxiety, I began to worry about absolutely everything again. My mood was impacted and I felt more and more hopeless. I wished for a day that I would wake up and didn’t immediately feel deflated that I had actually woken up again and a new day was ahead of me.

Reflection

Then at the end of last week, everything came to a head, I was so deeply focussed on work and nothing else that I realised I’d missed taking my medication for 3 days. This in turn had impacted my mood even more and my behaviour became erratic, the effect was a negative impact on my relations with my family. When you are trapped in a house together with no release, that isn’t the best outcome. The tension was awful, things were like a pressure cooker. I’m pretty sure as a direct result, it brought on the first migraine I’ve had in a long time. That was the culmination of events that physically stopped me in my tracks and forced me to reflect.

I realised, I hadn’t been taking the opportunity to stop and breathe. I hadn’t been noticing the simple things that give me pleasure or happiness. Basically, I had shut out the world around me and got lost in “busyness”.

Mindful March

Then something karmic happened, a welcome coincidence if you like. I came across the picture at the head of this blog Mind Full vs Mindful, and it struck a chord. Then the next day was 1st of March, and I received an emailed from a subscribed list I’m on for Action for Happiness, sharing their calendar of Mindful activities. I don’t believe in any higher powers, but was someone trying to tell me something?

Little Things Matter

The little things really matter. What is the point in life if you don’t enjoy the world around you, if you don’t recognise the tiny things, the tiny changes that can make a huge difference.

If you recognise anything I described here, maybe it is time for you to take cognisance of life. To take a step back and take a breath.

I’m here to talk if anyone wants to. I’m not going to solve any of your problems, I can’t do that. But if it helps to sound off or thinking about the old adage, a problem shared is a problem halved then feel free to drop me a line on FB messenger or via the contact form on here.

Support organisations and information:

Samaritans: Call 116 123 FREE, 24/7 365 days a year: Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen

SAMH: SAMH is the Scottish Association for Mental Health | SAMH

Tiny Changes: Our Story – Tiny Changes

Action for Happiness: Action for Happiness

Mindfulness: Mindfulness – NHS (www.nhs.uk)

Mindful Meditations: The Top 10 Guided Meditations from 2019 – Mindful