This week (Monday 13th to Sunday 19th May) marks this year’s Mental Health Awareness week.
I am conscious that I haven’t specifically written about mental health, either my own or in general for some time, other than referencing it in the music I write about. It makes sense then that I throw down a few thoughts to play a small part in raising awareness of this important week.
I do believe we have come a long way as a society in being able to confront social issues often thought of in the past as taboo subjects, including Mental Health, but we still have a long way to go. Too often, especially across social media, you see people dismissing such issues with phrases like snowflake, PC gone mad or man up. It is people with those sorts of attitudes that drive people to NOT talk out, feeling embarrassed about the way they feel, scared of being ridiculed or seen as weak. This in turn compounds their issues and exacerbates anxieties, driving them deeper into depression.
One word or phrase out of turn is enough to send someone spiralling if they are already on the edge, I know, I’ve been there. When you are teetering on the brink a misplaced remark is enough. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t always comments directed at the person in question, an individual’s state of mind can mean a seemingly innocent or simple comment causes inner turmoil that will have them analysing it for hours or days on end. That can’t always be helped though, when you are in that place already. It isn’t the fault of the person making the comment, neither is it the fault of the person with anxiety that has misconstrued the comment causing them untold distress.
Man Up? Bullshit
Rather, it is the people who choose their words to attack or put down people who aren’t the same as them, that think differently or act differently. Or the people that make a choice not to accept poor mental health as an issue because they don’t get it or haven’t experienced it themselves. They just assume laziness or weakness. The whole man-up attitude is a personal bug bear. I can laugh off snowflake as possibly the worst, most pathetic, insult ever. The people who say it in order to put down the people they use it against are the very definition of the phrase they are using to attack the other person – they are attacking the person usually because they are offended by what those individuals believe in or fight for.
Anyway, man up, offensive in so many ways. What does it mean anyway? Man up. Comes from me Tarzan, you Jane type individuals. The type that think men should be strong and never show their emotions and women are weak and need a man to do everything for them. Outdated much? If we ever want to progress as a society, outdated concepts and attitudes like that need to be wiped out. The individuals who boast about working 12 hour days, or say they thrive on lack of sleep, constantly boasting about salary, bonuses or promotions or comparing themselves to those who, in an effort to maintain a healthy mind work hard but keep to their hours, try to have hobbies and interests outside work, maintain relationships with their families and don’t feel the need to impress or push for the next promotion sometimes need to wind their necks in and consider that we are all different.
I’m delighted to see attitudes in the majority of younger people I come across today being totally accepting of differences, not batting an eyelid at things that would have caused outrage in the dim and (not so) distant past, and that still cause shock and outrage amongst the Daily Mail sorts. These youngsters accept everyone at face value regardless of skin colour, sexuality, religion and are more inclined to support rather than ridicule individuals who are affected by poor mental health. It gives me hope for future generations.
1 in 4 of us will experience poor mental health in the next 12 months. This doesn’t mean 1 in 4 or us are weak. It doesn’t mean 1 in 4 of us are lesser individuals. We could just as easily break a leg. We could just as easily contract a physical illness. These aren’t taboo subjects with a stigma attached. Neither should mental health.
For years I have suffered from anxiety. In the days of my youth, this was probably described as being shy, often painfully so. Boys crying was frowned upon. You were encouraged to be brave. To man up if you like. You were made to feel ashamed if you showed emotion. No wonder male suicide rates are so high. We are given an unattainable goal to achieve: be strong all the time, don’t show emotion, strive to get that next promotion, compare yourself to others, if you aren’t achieving what they do, why not?
It is time to just be yourself.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
Do what makes you happy.
Life isn’t a competition.
What is that cliché? We are here for a good time, not a long time.
I tried to live by these unattainable goals. Something broke. That shyness became crippling anxiety. Speaking on the phone or on conference calls at work became a mammoth effort. Keeping up the façade was a daily strain. It didn’t happen overnight though; the process was over a long period until eventually it was too much. I couldn’t function on a day to day basis. Simple tasks became physically impossible.
That was my first period of severe anxiety and depression. I look back on it now and can see how it came about, but in the moment, I didn’t see it coming. Another thing I look back on is how it affected my family. How I snapped at every little thing, how I either had a blazing temper or closed off and didn’t speak at all. I can never get that time back with my family. While I regret those behaviours, those things are done, I can’t change them. It does now makes me more determined never to go back there.
I was lucky to get counselling through my work and eventually went back feeling a stronger person. However, again looking back, I believe I didn’t fully accept what I had been through and after a while I was back to old ways and had another dip. This time though after counselling and CBT, I had that lightbulb moment. I had the power within me to make the changes I needed to make. One of those was to be more open about my own struggles with my inner battles, one of the reasons I started writing my blog.
I’m no expert and I’m not a therapist, a doctor or a counsellor. I do know what works for me though. I’m aware everyone is different and we all have our own ways of coping, but I’m all for talking and sharing, anything to make it easier and more natural to talk freely about the shit that complex organ inside your skull puts you through.
In no particular order, the things that I consider to be the changes I made as a result that helped and continue to help me:
Cut it Out
Cut the shit out of your life – if you don’t need it in your life, bin it. If it makes you unhappy get rid. People who put you down – bye! Things you’ve done for years and you think every time you do it – why do I do this; it is just habit now and I hate it. Don’t do them anymore.
Don’t think for a minute that its easy.
I say constantly that I’m going to use social media to keep in touch with friend and talk about music and I’m not going to get into debates about politics, religion or football on social media. Then lo and behold, I get dragged in. Luckily though, I now have the presence of mind and the ability to say STOP and move on.
Does it make you happy?
Do what makes you happy – Don’t be a martyr. Don’t always do something because it pleases others. Don’t feel guilty about doing the things you want to do.
Music makes me happy, listening to records, going to gigs, writing about it. That’s why my blog is more about music now than Mental health. It takes me to my happy place and helps me stay on an even keel.
Live your life
Work/life balance – I was a slave to my laptop in years gone by. After I was home and had dinner, lid open again, writing to do lists for the following day, sending or replying to emails, planning the next 4 teleconferences…
Home is home. I now leave work on time and when I’m home, that’s it. On the odd occasion I’ll do something that needs finished but generally the only laptop I’ll be opening is my own one.
Meditate
Mindfulness & Meditation – years ago I would have laughed if you had told me about Mindfulness or encouraged me to meditate. Hippy shit I would have said. I had been conditioned to believe that as a “man” I wouldn’t need all that rubbish. But I now know, it is not rubbish at all. I will admit I’m not great at meditation, but short ones work to ground me when I need to. Mindfulness though is a great thing. Remember be Mindful not MindFULL.
You are Yourself
Don’t compare yourself to others – you are setting yourself up for a fall. Are you happy with who YOU are? Are you content? Keeping up with the Joneses is misguided concept. Be happy with your lot. If you want to strive for something because YOU want it, great! Just don’t do it if you feel that you must because someone else is doing it. Be yourself.
Now is the Time
Live in the moment – dwelling on things you feel you have done wrong, or you wished you’d done differently wears you down. Hoping the moment will pass and telling yourself things will get better is pie in the sky, tomorrow never comes. Live for today. Be thankful for what you have. Live for now. Cliché time again. Today is a gift, that’s why it called the present.
Maybe that all sounds to easy. It isn’t. I’m nearly 50 now and I was in my 40’s before I started living by these tenets. I don’t want to waste another minute on not living my life. Sure, I still have anxiety and moments where I forget and slip back, but I have the presence of mind now to realise and get back on top of things.
Mental Health Awareness is for life
The important thing is that we all do what we can to keep the focus on. To ensure talking about mental health becomes the norm and not something to be ashamed of. Do something this week either for yourself or for others that makes a difference.