It’s a well known fact, we all have mental health, just as we all have physical health. So it follows that we can all have periods of poor mental health in the same way as we can all experience poor physical health. Why is it then that when we start to feel ill or suffer from physical ailments naturally most of us will take affirmative action to prevent whatever is affecting us from getting worse. Maybe we go to the chemist and pick up some over the counter remedy, or seek advice from a pharmacist or doctor, and in more serious cases we are admitted to hospital’s to receive the correct care and attention. But in the case of mental health issues we often attempt to paper over the cracks, to brush things under the carpet and hope they go away of their own accord.
And in most cases, maybe they do go away. We all are impacted by minor blips, or there are hurdles we struggle to get over, knocking a few down on the way but still managing to cross the finish line. On our journey through life there will always be potholes in the road that knock us off track for a moment, but we all build resilience that allows us to re-focus and get back on track on our journey, even if it means we’ve had to make a detour along the way. Anyway, enough of these analogies, lets get to the nitty gritty.
Sometimes these challenges come at us thick and fast. We get past one, then another pops up. We try to brush it off and move on, just as another challenge smacks us in the face… and they keep coming. That’s all very well when you’re feeling resilient, but sometimes, things get too much, and trying to just keep going without dealing effectively with each challenge can end up overcoming us, we end up running on empty with nothing left in the tank to give and our engine grinds to a halt. Every one of us is different and we react in unique ways in these situations. There is no right or wrong reaction.
In the last month or so, things came to a head once again with my own mental health. Something which I have been metaphorically beating myself up about since which, when I type this I realise isn’t really the message I want to get across here. However, perhaps this is a natural reaction to me ending up in the position I currently find myself. I naturally question whether there is something I could have done sooner to prevent things escalating to where they have.
The benefit of hindsight is great thing though, and as I spend time reflecting, there were signs for a long time that things weren’t right. Little things that when added up amounted to something bigger than the sum of their parts. I’m not going to list them all out here, but they came from all parts of my life, both work and personal, and manifest in different ways. The problem is, when you’re right in the middle of it, and these things all potentially seem insignificant and small enough to brush over or ignore, there is no realisation of the effects they are having longer term. Not just on myself but on the people around me. I stopped doing the things I enjoyed, or didn’t get the same level of enjoyment from the things I was doing. I couldn’t find the off switch for my brain, but the rest of me was shutting down. I think I recently described it as existing rather than living. And that is no way to carry on, especially for the impact it has on those you love and care for, and as you realise your own mortality and the finite amount of time we have on this planet.
The lid blew off the pressure cooker for me recently in the form of a few panic attacks. Yes, I always worry about things, that’s just part of me, and I’ve often said if I didn’t have an element of that it would be a sign that I no longer cared. If anyone has been in a similar position regarding panic attacks before they will know what I mean when I say, I can only assume it is what it feels like when you are dying. That may sound dramatic, but the combination of, among other things, pains (head and chest), sweating, and breathlessness was frightening, and in the worst one I ended up passing out, I can only thank those who were around to help me.
I had started to seek assistance before it came to this, but it was a case of too little too late. There is a certain irony in that earlier in the year I was delivering training sessions in which we talked about our personal stress buckets and how to manage them… Anyway, this isn’t supposed to be a pity party for one. I am fortunate that I have a supportive family, GP and workplace, which has an EAP that has already kicked in and is providing tailored support. I know others maybe don’t have the same support network, so my point in writing this is to say, listen to your body, listen to what your head is telling you, notice the changes in your behaviours no matter how small, and take appropriate action at the time, don’t wait until things escalate. Find the things that work for you to release the pressures of life. Notice when they are no longer working, or aren’t making a difference, notice when you make little excuses to stop doing them. Notice when your behaviours change and you start to focus on things that are adding negativity to he mix. Tell that poisoned parrot to fuck right off. And importantly, talk to someone. A problem shared and all that…
I know what you’re thinking… pot meet kettle… but that’s exactly my point in writing this. If anyone can learn anything from my own fuck ups, then that’s great. If one person can avoid going down that black hole as a result of reading this, that’s a win.
Look after yourselves, you only have one shot at this, so we all have to make the most of it.
Mental health helplines – Mind
Stress – Every Mind Matters – NHS (www.nhs.uk)
Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen