Prioritise Pleasure (with a nod to Self Esteem)

Prioritise Pleasure

Contrary to what the title of this blog may suggest, this isn’t a review of the superbly inspirational album from last year, courtesy of the upfront sass of the talented Rebecca Lucy Taylor laying her soul bare for all, with a heavy dose of honesty. (Having said that I did review the album last year and it appeared in my top 5 albums of the year).

The blog does however pickup on some of the themes visited by the album, none more so than that of its title track, Prioritise Pleasure. A mantra that we should all unabashedly live by without feeling guilty, after all if we want to help others, we can’t share from an empty vessel.

“So I’m breathing in
One, two, three
Prioritise, pleasuring me”

Struggles

I’ve never made a secret of my history and run in’s with depression and anxiety over the years, after all it was one of my key reasons for starting to write this blog, writing gives me pleasure and an escape for the vagaries of life. Towards the end of last year, I started to struggle quite badly both with bouts of depression and lasting periods of fairly severe anxiety.

This has continued to impact me into the first few months of this year, and in more recent weeks has come to a head with several events and moments of self realisation really requiring me to dig deep and draw on dimishing reserves of resilience. I know from several conversations with others, I am not alone in this feeling.

Little Signs and Behaviour Changes

I’m therefore writing this, not as a ”poor me” blog to garner any sympathy, but to encourage others to recognise the little signs or changes in their own behaviour that, while they maybe don’t initially have any impact, when multiplied together, could build into a ticking timebomb leading to potentially more serious consequences. If you recognise them early enough perhaps you can avoid weeks…months…of undue pain and misery.

I probably couldn’t have written this a few weeks ago, I was constantly feeling like a coiled spring. I found it hard to hold onto any rational thoughts or focus on anything for any length of time. I threw everything I had into work, to be honest I still am, though I am working on my ability to shut off. Outside of work I just wanted to sleep, all the time, it was the only way I could think of to shut out my thoughts and block out the world.

Just Say No

Unfortunately, from a selfish perspective at least, I’m a people pleaser. I often sacrifice my needs to ensure others aren’t put out, to ensure their needs are met and they aren’t impacted negatively. I’ll say yes to something, without giving a second thought to the impact it has on my circumstances. As long as they are okay, then so am I. But we all know, that isn’t the case. All these little favours or loads you take off other people’s mind just get loaded into the sacks on your own back. At some point one of these little favours will break you. Saying no is OK. So is saying “Help”. It isn’t easy though.

Habits start forming and, consciously or unconsciously, you drop the positive aspects that make a difference in your life. It is easy either not to notice, or to make valid rationalisations as to why other things are more important to focus on than your own pleasure.

Excuses

Although work has been busy, realistically, I realise I’ve used this as an excuse, throwing my all into work and effectively ignoring dealing with what is going on in my head. Fooling myself that if I focus all my energy on work, the other things will work themselves out. All I’ve succeeded in doing is nearly burning myself out and as a result having entirely the opposite effect and just exacerbating my already poor mental health.

The problem is that you don’t stop doing all the right things at once, over time, your habits and behaviours changed, a slow insidious creep that you don’t notice until it is too late and life in general overwhelms you.

Self Sabotage

My short term memory is pretty fucked too. to such an extent that doing things that should be obvious, like taking my daily medication get overlooked, obviously this has an additional impact on my mood and behaviours. It was only when I started having the shakes and a weird spaced out feeling that I realised I had missed several days, and also omitted to call for a top up prescription meaning I had to ration what I had left. Talk about self sabotage!

Simple things, even the activities you love, the ones that help you stay grounded and be yourself end up feeling like a chore. You end up not shaving for days, and doing the bare minimum with your personal hygiene. I have more or less stopped writing, I do absolutely no exercise whatsover, and my diet is terrible, again exacerbated by work, being away from home and eating all the wrong things at the wrong times.

The longer this goes on, the more difficult is to get back on the horse. I’ve tried to start writing again, but I stare at a blank screen for ages before giving up. I think about writing a review, but I feel overwhelmed by the amount of music I have to listen to and can’t make a decision on what to listen to, so end up scrapping it as a bad idea.

Life is Too Short

I’ve already missed four gigs since January for a number of reasons but if im honest they all relate to MH in some way. I somehow managed to forget I had a ticket for Hamish Hawke, then ended up with a migraine before The Stranglers, I’m sure this was self induced through constant stressing and worry. Then ironically I somehow prioritised work over seeing Self Esteem (a gig I had been looking forward to for months, and The Cribs. Life is too short to sacrifice what you love. Work may pay the bills, but don’t let it be the be all and end all. Otherwise it may be the end all.

Living Life

I’ve been fortunate to have the services of a counsellor (from NHS Living Life) in recent weeks having initially made a self referral in the Autumn. I have had counselling and CBT in the past which I have seen make a massive difference in my approach to life. However, I was massively apprehensive about this series of sessions. Mostly because of my almost irrational fear/hatred of speaking on the phone, as, due to COVID, this latest series of sessions would be on the phone.

Prior to the first session, I sat for almost an hour ahead of the planned call time, panicking about the phone ringing and what I would say… Of course, as always, the reality is never as bad as how your mind builds it up to be, and I was soon pouring my heart out. It was a massive relief, like breaking down an invisible wall. Totally cathartic.

I also realised through a conversation with my counsellor that at one point recently I hadn’t listened to ANY music for a period of 5 days. This may not seem like a long time to some, but to someone who needs music almost as much as they need oxygen, water and food, this is almost like a lifetime. One of my main concerns on this revelation was, how on earth did I not notice at the time what was going on? How did I not realise I hadn’t listened to any music?

Endless Sleep

Sleep often feels like my only friend, an opportunity to shut down my brain and all the shite it is telling me. However, more often than not recently, my dreams have become nightmares. I don’t necessarily feel suicidal, though on occasion I have wondered what it would feel like to drive off the road and end it all, but I do sometimes think drifting off to sleep and never waking again would be a blessed relief. In my worst moments, waking up in the morning brings with it almost a sense of devastation. Making getting started in the morning with any sense of positivity a real struggle.

I had an interesting conversation with someone who has been very supportive to me the other day, they were relaying a conversation they had with their partner in which they expressed the desperation sometimes that no-one else realises how you feel. Why do peope not see the way you are feeling? It’s obvious – you never ask for help, you dont talk about how you really feel and you continue to wear your mask of false happiness maintaining the illusion that everything is “fine” and life is normal.

Burden

It isn’t that we don’t want to tell them, it is more about not wanting to burden them with our issues, or face the questions about why we feel that way when there often isn’t a rational explanation. Because we love them so much, we don’t want to make them feel bad, there is nothing they have done to make us feel that way, and often there isnt anything they can do to make it better. There is a massive element of feeling guilt here too.

The guilt doesn’t end there. You sit watching the coverage from Ukraine, watching people literally fleeing for their lives while you are sitting in your warm home watching your large screen TV having spent time wishing you didn’t exist.

Your Brain is a Fucking Liar

Of course there are moments the mask slips, and unfairly you end up making life a misery for everyone around you. Not knowing what version of you they are facing. The only real solution is to take this proverbial mask off altogether and face your fears – the sooner you realise your brain is a fucking liar the better. People tell you that you are worthy, you even spend time telling others the same, not to let that voice bring them down, but that little voice in the back of your own head keeps telling you ”they’re talking shite – YOU’RE talking shite, you ARE a worthless piece of shit”. You need to decide – do I keep fighting or do I let that lying bastard win?

Well, fuck you brain.

I’m not going to suggest you ask for medication or use any specific sort of therapy Everyone is different and any road to recovery needs to be tailored to an individuals needs, but what I can say is, don’t hold off any longer. Don’t say you’ll start tomorrow. You never will. I’ve spent weeks doing that. It may be painful but you just have to bite the bullet and do it. You’ll thank yourself later. If you don’t you’ll just end up filled with regret and make the journey to wellness longer and harder.

Tiny Changes

Tiny changes can make a huge difference though. Take baby steps:

• Eat properly – thanks to a friend, I’ve been researching gut health and its association with mental health. I’ve still got a shite diet, but I’m trying to make the right changes.
• Get some exercise – you don’t need to become a gym bunny. Even just a short walk. A break away from the daily grind can make all the difference.
• Notice the little things – when you go for that walk, don’t stress about what you think you should be doing. Empty your head and notice life going on around you. Notice the little things that bring pleasure
• Stop and Breathe – lift your head up and think about what you are doing. Take five minutes to re-focus and don’t waste energy on pointless wasted effort
• Get a good sleep -try to gt a good nighst sleep – not too little, not too much. Don’t use sleep as an excuse to avoid dealing with your thoughts. It doesn’t help.

Prioritise Pleasure

Finally, to circle back to the start. Don’t sacrifice what you love. Prioritise pleasure. Make time for your hobbies. The things that bring you joy. Despite what your brain may tell, life IS too short.

Don’t wish it away.

NHS Living Life (Scotland Only)

NHS Mental Health Support (England)

https://www.samaritans.org

Tiny Changes