I’ve being doing a lot of internal reflection on the back of the latest seemingly ill thought out random series soundbites and subsequent bumbling backtracking and mixed messages coming from Downing Street, apparently without any real plan or substance to back them up. While I feel that many of us with some common sense have been able to live by the guidelines up until now, these new messages have just caused confusion amongst many. This isn’t really a political post though. The statement and subsequent fallout were merely a trigger.
Home Truths
It brought home a few realisations and home truths. Maybe I’m not dealing with the lockdown as well as I thought I was. I realise I’m operating on several levels, some of them not positive and triggering actions I have managed to quash over recent years through a combination of medication and CBT methodologies.
I know, from a personal perspective, I have been very fortunate compared to many others during this uncertain time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dismissing how hard this is for so many people, but in general, from a purely selfish perspective I have taken several positives from the negative situation.
I still have a job, and one that I can complete from home with a bit of adaptation and changing ways of working. In fact, the team I work for are busier than ever. The situation has given us the opportunity to start to implement new ways of working, introducing different methodologies and digitising learning allowing us to engage with our wider teams. Bizarrely, it has allowed us, as a team, to become closer, learning new things ourselves daily. Purely from my work perspective, it is quite an exciting time. I’m know I’m lucky, I am so thankful I have a job and I’m busy. I know many who are furloughed, and others who have already lost their jobs or will do if this situation continues further.
Flipside
There is a flip side, and while having no commute is a huge benefit, I have lost some “me” time where I can read a book and listen to music on my journey. It also means that as my workplace is my dining room table, a mere few steps away from my sofa, it is harder to switch off and maintain a work/life balance. As a result, I often find myself starting work earlier and finishing later, not talking a lunch break either, a few steps to the kitchen to make a sandwich, then back to the dining table. It takes a more disciplined mind than mine to ensure I only work the right hours and take the required breaks.
Despite that, my depression levels are minimal currently, I don’t have to manage them as much, and my general social anxiety levels are low too. I put that down to not having to wear my proverbial mask every day and not having to deal with dreaded social situations. The most anxiety inducing event of the week is the weekly shop, I only leave the house and its surroundings once a week for that (apart from maybe a second shorter shop trip to pick up anything we run out of). Again, I’m fortunate to have a garden, so I can get all my fresh air and exercise there. By the end of summer, I feel I’ll finally have it looking the way I’d always planned.
Different stories…
I do need to acknowledge that I know everyone has a different story and situation to deal with. We are all different and for many people, the lockdown is exacerbating mental health problems and other issues. For people who live alone, those who must self-isolate and are normally gregarious individuals I can imagine this situation is a living nightmare. And I can’t begin to imagine how people who live with an abusive partner are coping.
I totally understand that, and I have nothing but empathy for everyone’s situation. I suppose what I’m saying is, from a mental health perspective, while I will always live by the adage “Its OK not to be OK”, in the current circumstances it is also “OK to be OK” and not feel guilty about it. I know for one, I will find it hard to go back to “normality” to get back into the way of group face to face dynamics again and not worry about everything that I say is going to be senseless. If it was up to me, I could easily live my life this way. I have my family around me, it has allowed us to spend more quality time together, time that we normally wouldn’t have previously and of course I have music, books and my garden. I know I am lucky.
Here comes the rub and some of the contradictions.
Anxiety
I do find other elements of my anxiety and habits resulting from this creeping back in, I do feel guilty about feeling positive and I have found myself writing endless lists again, on paper, on my phone, on my laptop, in my head. Things I MUST do. I say must, but the only person putting that pressure on me is me. But the lists are getting so long they are entirely unachievable. This results in a vicious circle of putting pressure on myself and an inability to relax. I must always be doing something. I’m creating things to do that I convince myself are priorities, but in reality, aren’t. Unfortunately, that “thing” isn’t always the right thing or the most productive thing for my wellbeing. I tell myself I can only relax and read my book if I have done x, y or z first, whereas sitting reading my book should probably be the priority, time to relax unwind and empty my head of everything else.
I can go to extremes too, periods of sitting on my backside doing absolutely nothing, then due to severe guilt tripping, having to “make up” for it by making myself busy…
Family
I said I have my family around me so again I am fortunate from that perspective, but of course, I miss spending time with my parents, my brother and in-laws, we’re making do with Facetime and Zoom calls, but nothing can replace physical intimacy and hugs. Without sounding ungrateful though, we are around each other 24/7, there is little opportunity for personal space. I’m sure I can’t be alone in thinking this can be challenging in itself. Possibly another reason why my garden will be immaculate by the end of the summer…
In terms of the virus I’m not scared of it in itself, I can accept my own mortality and as long as I take the precautions I can try to avoid it, but it is inevitable that it will impact at some point and I can accept that too. I do fear for parents and in-laws though, those that are deemed vulnerable, I worry about how it will impact other people, not myself. I am concerned about the mixed messages coming from government and the potential impact that could have on infection rates as we move out of lockdown in the absence of a cure or vaccination.
Live music
I said I could live like this, but despite being able to watch numerous live sets by a variety of artists online, the only two things I really miss are impromptu visits to the local for a bite to eat and a drink and experiencing live music. I miss the feeling that you get when you are at a gig. The tingling feeling of elation that runs through your whole body when you hear the songs you love played live. The ability to close your eyes and drift off into your own space and time and not let any of the ills of the world get to you. The fact that time doesn’t really matter when you are at a gig, all that matters is being there in the moment and living for the music and the feeling it gives you.
Without sounding too weird and awkward, I miss people too to an extent, if that makes any sense at all, I miss friends and planned outings but not having to deal with and manage the spontaneous naturally unrehearsed situations that arise in social settings. Jeez, I sound like some sort of personality less weirdo, but if I don’t have a plan for something, it makes me anxious. Anyway, the fact that I may not see another live gig this year is a stark realisation that has only really hit me in the past few days. I then track back and think, that is a selfish thought. What about the bands, artists, small venues, how are they going to survive? How many of the venues I frequent will still be viable and be able to re-open, what about the impact on those who rely on these venues for their income?
Influence
I worry overly about these things that aren’t within my sphere of influence and that I can’t control. I try not to think too hard about the fall out of the COVID 19 crisis and what impact it will have in the future, but I can’t help it. You worry about parents and in-laws. You worry about the economy; how will it affect friends and family?
Regain the Equilibrium
All these things combine, and I know it makes me snappy and irritable sometimes. I say something or snap at someone in the house and immediately regret it. I know I’m falling into old habits but from a positive perspective, I am aware, and I realise I need to regain the equilibrium.
Music has played a massive part of getting me through the lockdown, but then that isn’t really any different to life before. I can’t go a day without listening to music. The online gigs have played a part too as there is an element of interaction with the artists that you miss and don’t get through listening to a record…it isn’t quite the same but in the meantime these will keep me going, along with family and the ability to keep in touch with what is going on with friends and acquaintances people via social media. Again, I feel like I am constantly contradicting myself – but I do look forward to the day when I get back to my first gig. Things may not be normal in the way we used to think for a long time to come, but that first gig will be something special…
Coping
We are all different beasts and we are all dealing with lockdown and the new normal in our own ways. Some of us are finding it easier than others, but essentially, we must find our own coping strategies. In my own naïve way, I wish there was one answer or panacea, but in the absence of that magic button, if you’re reading this and you want to get in touch, please do. I don’t have the answer but I’m quite happy to listen to a rant, be a shoulder to cry on, or just simply to talk about your favourite new record or whatever.
Stay Safe.
