I’m back. Like a bad penny.
I’ve been away from the Ginger Quiff for a short while, but still probably longer than I had initially hoped or intended. Like many others, balancing work and life is sometimes a challenge. Occasionally, that constant juggling of commitments ends up in us dropping a ball.
At times though, it must be a conscious decision to juggle with less balls to make it easier on yourself.
Take a break
Initially, it wasn’t a conscious decision to step away from my blog, I just lacked the free time and head space to give it the quality time I wanted to. I had work commitments that took precedence, add to that personal and family commitments (otherwise known as “life”) and reviews I had committed to for Louder Than War and I could feel myself going down “that” road again. I was overwhelming myself and piling on pressure that no-one but myself was responsible for. If something didn’t give, I was going to break again.
I would receive emails and messages from bands/promoters and with each additional one I received it added to feelings of guilt that I hadn’t listened, responded or written anything about any of them. This triggered some age-old anxiety issues which began to pile on top of each other making it harder for me to meet the commitments I had already made and get through a day. Each day adding more layers of (often minor) problems I had to deal with. My mind reset to its old way of working, like when you let go of an elastic band that has been stretched for a while then it pings back to its original shape. Mind you, it is better than the alternative, where the band stretches outside its limits and breaks.
Negative thoughts
Negative thoughts crept into my head, I was constantly questioning everything I did, doubting my own capabilities and abilities. On top of that my mood swings were noticeable, maybe not by me initially, but certainly by those closest to me. My depression was surreptitiously creeping up on me again, affecting my enjoyment of the simple things. I started getting into that old routine of having manic days where I tried to do everything and please everyone. Then of courses there were the other days where I felt so low, I sat and achieved nothing, almost physically incapable of action, then of course, beat myself up about it.
Fortunately, I have a wife that recognises the signs and gives me the reality check I need to take the right action.
Ultimately, among other things, I had to make a conscious decision for my own peace of mind to leave the blog be for a while, to use some of the models from my CBT to analyse my thought patterns and realise that the only person putting the pressure on was me. To try to pay it lip service just isn’t what I would want to do.
Lost focus
As I was contemplating these thoughts, I realised that the very reason I started the blog had been lost somewhere along the line. My intentions when I started it was for it to be an escape to help keep me sane, to use writing as a vehicle to get away from the things that caused me anxiety. I wanted to write about the music that gives me pleasure, but on my terms. I realised I had begun treating it like it was a chore, writing to do lists and action plans like it was something I had to do and was not getting the pleasure from it that I had before.
I had to hit the reset button.
I have my positive headspace back. I want to be writing again on my blog, on my terms. Of course, I’ll still write for Louder Than War, I enjoy that too, but I will try (I say try as you can never say never) not to over commit myself, to allow myself the opportunity to balance out writing for me and writing for others.
Renewed creativity
The self-doubt had brought the writing of my book to a halt too. The book that has already taken 20 years to get to this point. Joking aside, recently I have had loads of light-bulb moments of where I want to take my story and I’m enjoying this bout of creativity again. I just want to finish it for my own benefit. Largely, if it never sees the light of day and no-one else reads it doesn’t matter.
I need to say thanks to Mainy for a couple of reviews to keep things ticking over…
Cheers for everyone who has sent me music, links, CDs and so on. There is stuff I know I’ve listened to that I felt inspired to write about but never got around to it, lets see what the next 12 months brings…
First things first, what about the last 12 months?
Welcome back mate. I understand everything you say, it’s good of you to be open to your readers. I too am guilty of putting myself under pressure, even when I try to relax its very difficult to ignore those wheels in my head turning constantly. I put a post up a few month back to say that I was calling a halt to my commission work (I only have 2 left), I’ve turned down about 7 offers over the last 3 month, as it was very much becoming like a chore. I started painting due to the enjoyment, and I had lost some of that. So this was a step in bringing the fun back into my work, by stepping back, and I know intend to paint for the next year or so, for myself, which releases a lot of the pressure. I know exactly how you felt, coming home from the day job, feeling burnt out after dealing with the days problems, then you have to devote time on your blog as you have deadlines to meet, having to review albums as you don’t wanna let anyone down. Yeah, time becomes so precious. You did the right thing Neil in having a breather. You are responsible to yourself. Great to have you back, take care man, Mon the Quiff 😊♥️👍
Always think of yourself. You cant be there for others if you spread yourself thin…
As someone who also struggles with severe depression and anxiety I can relate to everything you have said here Neil. I came off my meds in March 2018 when a trip to Texas extended from the planned two weeks to three months and thought I was doing well until I started to notice the warning signs earlier this year that I was on a downward spiral.
Unlike the year of weekly CBT sessions I had when I lived in Edinburgh, Dundee mental health services are so under-resourced that my GP said he couldn’t refer me to a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse unless I was in crisis – i.e. suicidal – and all he could do was put me back on the same medication.
Throughout my life music has been my saviour and I finally gave up my very stressful and pressurised day job of 34 years to become a vinyl record dealer and very occasional music blogger, but that in itself didn’t mean I never became anxious or depressed.
I always know when I’m starting to get depressed again…I stop listening to music. The good news is the vinyl is back on the turntable(kind of essential when you are a vinyl record dealer!) and after 9 months I am finally getting back on to an even keel. The next thing will be to get back to going to gigs. Keep on going Neil.
Glad things are looking up for you. Yes, music is a saviour. Keep fighting.