A Walking Contradiction – an exercise in self sabotage

I currently feel like a walking contradiction. That old physics thing about every action having an equal and opposite reaction, well physics and chemistry seem to have got caught up in a mix somewhere with me and I’m not sure the opposite reaction is supposed to happen automatically after every initial action as a matter of course.

With restrictions (if not COVID itself) a thing of the past, I feel like I should be back in a world of near normality, whatever shape or form that may take, but I still feel far from that. The COVID hangover remains, feeling like a different form of the long COVID everyone talks about, but from a mental health perspective rather than physical.

At the start of lockdown I felt like I was in some sort of personal heaven. I didn’t need to leave the house and interact with other humans, so no putting a (proverbial) mask on to step over the threshold and have to react spontaneously to meeting people. I could plan my interactions. Leaving the house was rare and when I did it was on my terms. I thought I could live like that forever. Life in a bubble, wrapped in a personal cocoon. My anxiety was well under control. My mood was high despite COVID.

The longer it went on though, the worse I felt. I may have said before that I could live life without people, but deep down, I know that’s not true. I have an inherent need to be liked, I strive to do well at whatever I do and have a longing to feel appreciated by others. It is difficult to achieve these things at the best of times when you are always so down on yourself and have low self esteem and don’t feel worthy of any praise or gratitude. Even more difficult to achieve that level of feeling needed when you are also physically so isolated from others. The longer lockdown went on the more useless I felt. Nothing I did or achieved felt like it was good enough, I began once again to feel like an imposter and that I was that proverbial waste of space.

Fortunately, I had an opportunity to go back to my workspace, while most people still worked from home, which gave me the opportunity to get out of the house, but not to have to interact with too many people at first. Ease myself in gradually, it was good for me, or maybe not. In fact, the longer i had my own space, the more frustrated I began to feel when others came back into the office and invaded MY space. As I say. A walking contradiction.

The problem I’m having is, I am still finding it really hard to adjust to the new reality even all these months later. I’m living in a world of wild extremes of emotion more than I ever have before. Don’t get me wrong, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had to manage my anxieties and my depression with a mix of prescription medication, meditation, and learned behavioural techniques. I can therefore usually operate on a level where my mood and anxiety levels fluctuate, on a small, manageable scale. But since COVID these swings have been wild. I can go from euphoria to the depths of despair in the blink of an eye. I’ve always been one whose emotions are close to the surface but at the moment I feel I could cry at the drop of a hat. Maybe I always have, I mean I cry at the stupidest of TV shows. Just now though, I can be taking part in a conversation that is devoid of any reason to cry, and I feel myself welling up for no reason. I have to excuse myself, then I proceed to spend hours calling myself every name under the son for being such a pathetic dick (or words to that effect)

I was fortunate enough recently to be able to attend a series of CBT sessions after being on a waiting list for an age. I’m not going to criticise the quality of the sessions or the counsellor, but I really don’t feel I got out of them what I could or should have. These were telephone sessions and one of my greatest (and stupidest) anxieties is talking in the phone. I find it hard to interact with people at the best of times, but when you don’t have facial expressions and body language to react to, it escalates 10 fold. Reflecting on these sessions now, I feel I didn’t fully open up, as I would have maybe if I’d attended these sessions in person. In advance of the sessions I dreaded them, then I felt good immediately after but quickly dipped again later. I try to put the advice into practice, but I have a tendency to constantly self sabotage, poking a stick between my spokes just as I’m beginning to gain a bit of speed and traction.

At work, one of the highs of my role is spending time delivering training courses, whether that be to a group of new colleagues or to some well kent faces. That is where I am in my element. It brings me joy. I know that sounds bizarre as I’ve just explained my social anxieties. Delivering training is different, I am in control of the situation. I know what is coming next, I can adapt to situations. I suppose while I am “me”, I’m also not “me” during this time. I’m performing. It’s like a persona I take on, though I hope my personality does manage to come through. Despite how I’ve made myself sound, I do actually have a personality. I’m even quite funny sometimes (my daughters would disagree…). I smile, I laugh, I actually enjoy my work. Bizarrely too, recently I’ve spent a large part of this year writing and delivering training about self reflection and being the best version of yourself. So I know what I should do to be the best version of me. It isn’t always easy to be that person though. It takes hard work. Especially in the morning and late at night. I can feel shite in the morning, getting out of bed takes all my effort, I certainly don’t see the sun shining though the curtains and bound out of bed ready to take on the world. But later I can still manage to be buzzing an hour into a training session.

I am my own worst enemy though. I can have a seemingly good day delivering training. I’m on a high. Buzzing if the day has gone well. Then I shoot myself in the foot. I’ll overanalyse how the day went, start to consider what i could have done better or differently and before you know it I’ll have decided the whole day was a disaster and I need to scrap it all and start again. Instead of switching off for the day on a high, I’ll then log on later and look at my to do list, start working through something, checking emails and subsequently panic that I have too much to do and not enough time to do it then the downward spiral continues, worrying all night instead of taking affirmative action, having an unsettled sleep, then waking up with that usual negative mindset and have to start all over again to convince myself there is a reason to get up, to get into a positive mindset, only to have a great day then destroy it all later… Self sabotage as a daily cycle.

The same goes with my social life. I actually do like people. Despite what some of my social media posts seem to indicate. I just don’t understand why people would like me, when I detest myself so much most of the time. I’ll beat myself up for saying something that I thought was really stupid or ill thought out, or I’ll feel I may have offended someone I love or respect (although others would tell you they didn’t notice these apparently world ending situations). I dwell on situations and overthink things so much that I miss out on conversations by removing myself from the situation or make an excuse to depart. Then I hate myself again for being so selfish and self absorbed. Self destruction all over again.

I adore live music. I adore music. Live or not. But a gig is something special. A place where I have complete and utter focus for that few hours, a bit like when I’m delivering training. I’m in a zone, and during that time nothing else matters. I meet people, and feel glad about it. At the time. Then I go home and dwell on these meetings and conversations and convince myself I’ve said or done something to make them think I’m some sort of idiot. Back to square one.

I’m not naïve enough to think these feelings will ever go away fully. I would like to feel as if I was in a more even keel though. More in control. That I could go one week to the next without being on an unending rollercoaster. It’s been a weird few years. The hangover is overstaying it’s welcome though. I, and I’m sure many like me, just need to persevere and work through the techniques we’ve learned over the years and flatten out the dips. Easier said than done, but the only thing to do is beat the negativity demons and ride it out.

Anyway, that was all a bit self indulgent, but it was cathartic. Like any of my mental health blogs, these aren’t written for “poor me” responses, but just to highlight that we all have mental health, and sometimes, like your physical health, there are struggles. I’d want anyone feeling similar to know they are not alone. Hopefully some who read this will know I am here to talk if you need a non-judgemental ear, just preferably not by phone. I jest of course.

I suppose the nature of anxiety and depression is that when your are down, you are very self absorbed and selfish. So I’ll use this leaving quip as a bit of an apology to people around me who may have been treading on eggshells when I’ve been in a weird place recently..And also as a huge thank you to those who have borne the brunt of the resultant mood swings and negativity, who have not judged me but been there, understood and have helped out no end.

These times will pass, as will the feelings. If you are depressed or burdened by anxiety, know you are not alone. Know you are strong. And always know there is someone there to listen.

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